How to Avoid a Sleep Divorce

Yes, it’s a thing. But with our expert strategies, even sleep-incompatible partners can get a good night's rest.

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Committed relationships are all about compromise—just ask anyone who has ever been in one. And nowhere is this played out more than in the bedroom.

Sharing a bed often means one partner tolerating a mattress that feels too soft or too firm (or both partners secretly seething if they’ve chosen a meet-in-the-middle model that isn’t quite right for either of them). And let’s not forget the long-suffering better halves of snorers, blanket stealers, frequent-bathroom-goers, and space hoggers, not to mention the mismatched night owls and morning larks trying their hardest to shift their circadian clock for the sake of their partner’s sleep.

As with most relationship decisions, those of the sleep variety are best made together. “Communication is vital,” says Wendy Troxel, PhD, author of "Sharing the Covers: Every Couple’s Guide to Better Sleep" (Hachette Go, 2021). “Understand the preferences and habits of your partner, talk about what’s working and what’s not, and don’t let the other person feel blamed. Then you can find strategies that maximize sleep and relationship quality.”

Fortunately, couples who want to sleep well actually have options beyond getting a “sleep divorce”—staying together but retreating to separate beds at the end of the day (though that may not be a bad thing either; see “2 Steps to an Amicable Sleep Divorce,” below). If you want to sleep together, you may have to think a little more creatively and spend some money. But if bedroom-based conflicts are cheating either of you of your sleep and ruffling your relationship, then the effort and expense may be worth it.

Here are seven common issues, along with actionable solutions.

To see all of CR’s sleep coverage, go to our Guide to Better Sleep.

Problem: My partner takes up too much space.

Solution: Get the largest bed you can afford—ideally, a king-size mattress (and the associated higher-priced frame and fitted sheets). As we explain in our mattress buying guide, the width of a king is merely the equivalent of two twin beds pushed together. If you and your partner are sleeping on a smaller mattress, such as a queen or double, you’re actually each allotting yourselves less personal snooze space than you got in a college dorm. No wonder you’re waking up cranky! Fortunately, some king-size options, like the CR Recommended Novaform 10” SoFresh Responsive Foam Mattress, cost well under $1,000.

Problem: My partner moves around too much.

Solution: Again, a larger bed can help, because the greater the distance between you and where the movement originated (i.e., your partner’s side), the less likely you’ll feel it. But beyond that, some beds tout better motion isolation (aka, stability) than others. That means when one partner tosses and turns or gets up to use the bathroom, the other is less likely to be jostled awake. In our article about the best mattresses for couples, we rounded up top-scoring mattresses (such as the Casper Original Hybrid, below) that do well on our motion-isolation tests, and provide good support, no matter whether you sleep on your side or your back.

Try out mattresses together in-store; if none does the trick, consider joining two different twin mattresses with a bed bridge, a device that fills the gap in between. (Of course, if your partner’s movements or bathroom runs disrupt his or her own sleep, see a doctor to get to the root of the problem.)

Problem: My partner sleeps hot; I sleep cold.

Solution: If the disagreement is simply over bedding preferences, see “My partner steals the covers,” below. If the temperature disparity is more extreme, try temperature-control mattress toppers. These toppers, placed under a fitted sheet, allow couples to adjust their side’s bed climate to their heart’s content. The Chilipad Ooler Sleep System (from $679 at Amazon and Sleepme), runs hot or cold water through tubes to make customization possible, but others, as described in our article on the best cooling mattress toppers, circulate air. (Toppers that claim cooling properties without active cooling or heating hardware are likely to have little effect, as our mattress buying guide reports.)

Problem: My partner wants a firm mattress; I like mine soft.

Solution: Unless you’d like to combine two twin mattresses, a shared conventional (innerspring or foam) mattress should cater to the partner who prefers a firmer feel. The partner who prefers a plusher mattress could then find a mattress topper to soften the surface on their side. Why this solution? Because it’s too difficult to add more firmness to a soft bed, says Buddy Delaney, president of Best Mattress, a family-owned mattress maker and seller in Columbia, S.C. (For more details on mattress toppers, see How to Choose a Mattress Topper.)

Note, of course, that there will be a difference in height between the two sides of the bed as a result, he says. If you have more money to spend, you might consider an adjustable air mattress, like the Sleep Number 360 p6 Smart Bed Mattress, which consists of air chambers that inflate or deflate each side with a remote or smartphone. You might also try out the Reverie Dream Supreme II Hybrid Sleep System, which has interchangeable foam coils of different densities that allow couples to create their perfect firmness level; or the more affordable Bedgear M3, with adjustable spring cassettes, below.

Problem: My partner steals the covers.

Solution: Try the “Scandinavian sleep method,” which Rachel Joiner-Escola, librarian at the Scandinavian Cultural Center in Newton, Mass., confirms is popular across all Nordic countries. That means you and your partner spring for your very own coverings. Is that why the residents in Nordic countries have topped the list of the world’s happiest people for years? That’s unclear. Regardless, this practice also permits you and your significant other to each choose whatever feels best, including how warm and heavy your comforter is. And if one of you likes the gentle hug of a weighted blanket while the other feels trapped by it? The Baloo (from $199 at Amazon and Baloo Living), a CR favorite, offers a throw-sized version. (Or, better yet, you can just hug each other.)

Problem: My partner snores.

Solution: First, a visit to a doctor is in order to tackle the source of the problem. It may be sleep apnea, for instance, in which case your partner can halt the snoring with a CPAP machine. If the snoring can’t be silenced, consider masking it with a white-noise machine.

As Rafael Pelayo, MD, author of "How to Sleep" (Artisan, 2020) and clinical professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences–sleep medicine at Stanford University, explains, your bedroom doesn’t have to be completely quiet for you to sleep well. The soundscape just has to be unthreatening and un-annoying, says Pelayo, who is also a medical advisor at SoundofSleep, a maker of white-noise machines.

To that end, he suggests choosing soundscapes that don’t loop—it can be frustrating for a person with insomnia, as they notice a recorded track transitioning from its end to its beginning again. I found that choosing pleasant sounds similar to the unpleasant ones is particularly effective—such as a waterfall for a rumbling snore, or ocean waves for the hiss of the CPAP. The free myNoise app (my favorite) enables me that flexibility.

Problem: My partner and I keep different schedules.

Solution: This issue requires a combination of the tactics above: ear plugs or a white-noise machine so that the sound of your partner entering or exiting the bed won’t disturb you, plus separate covers and possibly a motion-isolating mattress so that the shifting in and out of bed is minimal. If your partner insists on turning on lights, then a sleep mask is also in order. As CR staffers reported in the Best Sleep Masks, the Mzoo Sleep Eye Mask (from $21.99 at Amazon and Walmart) was particularly comfortable and affordable.

If, after considering your options, you and your partner agree that sleeping in separate beds or rooms is the best path for better sleep, then embrace it. After all, when you’re struggling with poor sleep, it’s hard to be a good partner or have empathy—and both are building blocks for a healthy relationship. While there’s some research to suggest there are benefits to sleeping together, Troxel points out that sleeping apart isn’t necessarily a detriment. “Choosing to sleep alone in order to sleep better can be a relationship-promoting decision,” she says—particularly if you book-end each night with the following rituals.

Spend quality time together before bed. “It’s often the only time couples have to themselves,” says Troxel. “Streaming a show together, cuddling, talking about your day, are all good ways to connect.” She also suggests an exercise in which each partner takes a turn sharing a “high” and a “low” from the day, and then paying a compliment to or expressing gratitude for the other. Bonus: The positive feelings you generate are good for sleep.

Touch base in the morning. Again, use this quiet time to connect before the day gets hectic. “Cuddling, a good-morning kiss, having a cup of coffee together, or merely wishing each other good luck as you approach your busy days are all small but important gestures of kindness to share with your partner upon awakening,” she says.

Joanne Chen

Joanne Chen has been a deputy home editor at Consumer Reports since 2022. From editing stories about air purifiers and gas stoves to writing about sleep, she’s obsessed with the intersection of health and home. Prior to CR, she was an editor at Vogue, Life, and Martha Stewart Living, and a writer at Wirecutter. She has tried more than 100 mattresses, all to help readers separate truth from hype. Follow her on Twitter @JChenNYC.